i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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