Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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