So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
