At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
