Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
