I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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