My Higher Power is John Stamos
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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