My balls are so social today.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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