So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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