Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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