My liver just broke up with me...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
