I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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