I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
