i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
