My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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