At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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