just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
