I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
