I smell stomach acid.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
