At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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