i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
