Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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