If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
