her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
