and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
