the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
