remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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