I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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