I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
