Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
