He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
