I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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