I wish I only lived at night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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