you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
