did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
