you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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