I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
