babies were throwing up all over the place
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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