I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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