That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
