This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
