We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
