i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
