kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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