She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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