im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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