Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So drunk its hurt
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
