Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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