hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
