my phone needs a breathalizer
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
