did you get engaged???
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
