I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
