I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
