I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
