I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
