Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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