let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
