I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
