After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she looked like the before picture.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
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she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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