Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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